for the moments I feel faint

..what a perfect title. Basically, I'm in a giant "rut" in so many areas of my life. And I listened to this song for the first time in a while and it exactly describes what I'm feeling. I love when God somehow speaks through music.

Am I at the point of no improvement?
What of the death I still dwell in?
I try to excel, but I feel no movement
Can I be free of this unreleasable sin?

Never underestimate my Jesus
You're telling me that there's no hope
I'm telling you you're wrong
Never underestimate my Jesus
When the world around you crumbles
He will be strong, He will be strong

I throw up my hands
"Oh, the impossibilities"
Frustrated and tired
Where do I go from here?
Now I'm searching for the confidence I've lost so willingly
Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fear

I think I can't, I think I can't
But I think you can, I think you can
I think I can't, I think I can't
But I think you can, I think you can
Gather my insufficiencies and
place them in your hands, place them in your hands,
place them in your hands

("For the Moments I Feel Faint" by Relient K)

Portraits

beam.

golden light seeps in through the curtain
i'm lying in that in-between state
bridging sweet dreams that i wish would not end
and the serenity found in mellow awake

here we are again...

Tomorrow is Memorial Day for the United States, but beyond that for remembering worldwide catastrophes, past and very present. How we have engaged in the mindblowing impact of war to have our lives turned upside down and parts of us chipped away with the loss of loved ones is something that will probably never make sense to me. People have been bruised and left alone- the healing process often left at the physical blood-and-bones level. Tonight I watched the National Memorial Day Concert in Washington D.C., and this time, things were a bit different. I'm Canadian, living in America. I've lived here much longer than I did in Canada, but I feel conflicted as to where I should call my country. Somehow, it hasn't been America, so Memorial Day has felt a bit awkward for me in some ways. I wasn't born red-white-and-blue, my dad hasn't served in the US Military, I don't know anyone really close to me who has died serving, and I'm not from here. But when I watched that concert tonight, I was very moved- and proud- to see the emphasis they put on this time. They emphasized the importance of being there for our loved ones who have been torn apart - quite literally - by war. There was the story of a soldier named Jose Pequeno, whose mother was told that he would need a miracle to survive and would become a vegetable, essentially. Jose's mother and sister didn't leave his side and gave up everything to make sure of that, and they believe that is why he is living. (Following, there was powerful and touching music, including Katherine McPhee singing "Somewhere" from West Side Story and Colm Wilkinson - the original Jean Valjean - singing "Bring Him Home" from Les Miserables.) The message was quite simple this year: the power of love = the power of healing. I think that was such an important reminder as we're struggling to end this war Mr. Bush signed us up for. Especially now, we have to love each other no matter what.

Dancing spirit

Tonight my sister got me hooked on Dancing With The Stars. Of course, I only got to see the season finale, which was fantastic. Regardless, I'm amazed by the level of talent and by how much they can learn about the art of dance in such a short amount of time. By this finale, they have accomplished so much that you can't tell who is the professional and who isn't. I'm passionate about dancing, so I loved watching it. Actually, I can't believe I stopped dancing - it's one of the few things I told myself I'd never quit! It's just something that I feel strangely connected to, if that makes sense- it doesn't matter what I look like when I dance or how good I am. For me, I think, dance becomes a spirit and an outlook on life, and that is reflected in the movement. And, despite what you see on DWTS, you don't have to be a professional to be a lover of this beautiful expression, because as Martha Graham put it, "Dance is the hidden language of the soul."

COMIDA

Okay, so because I just seriously love food…I’m going to tell you about some of my more recent (or non-recent, for some) discoveries…they’re all delicious and the majority of them are either organic or somewhat healthy! :)

1. Bear Naked Granola. I’m completely obsessed with it! Amazing, organic, “bear”ly processed, all natural granola. I eat the Fruit & Nut kind…good with cereal, yogurt, trail mix, ice cream, and certainly on its own! Go to bearnaked.com to learn more.


2. Stonyfield Yogurt (Fat free/organic.) I eat the plain kind on my cereal, and my favorite flavored kind is chocolate- hands down.

3. Café Au Lait. My favorite way to drink coffee. Half milk (warmed,) half coffee, cinnamon, and a bit of sugar or cream if you want. Never drink it in a rush – you must have time to enjoy it; for instance, I recommend saving it for a Saturday or Sunday morning, on the porch. I figure it’s the best way to ease yourself into drinking straight up coffee- that’s what I did. Except now I still prefer it over coffee- unless I’m on two hours of sleep – then café au lait just doesn’t cut it.


4. Dried Apricots. For some reason, I’ve recently fallen in love with dried apricots. It’s my new “apple a day” – two or three apricots a day. Good on their own, in cereal, in trail mix, etc.

5. Cheese: Ah, how my family loves cheese. Some of our favorites: brie, chipotle, parmigiano reggiano, camembert, honey and fig, blueberry stilton, cranberry stilton, asiago, pecorino romano…the list goes on.


6. Culinary Circle Multigrain Entertainment Crackers with Sesame Seeds. The best crackers I’ve ever had- and my family goes through a lot of crackers with all that cheese. Also: Triscuits (Rosemary & Olive Oil and Cracked Pepper) and Crispini.

7. Tea. Another thing my family loves. Honey Ginseng green tea, Yerba Maté Dark Roast tea, Yogi Tea such as Lemon Ginger green tea and Kombucha green tea, Black and Green tea, English Breakfast tea, Irish Breakfast tea, any herbal tea (like peach,) etc.

8. Nutella. Duh. I could probably live off the stuff. Good on anything! Toast/bread/bagels/croisssants/crackers…also the perfect midnight snack.

9. Peanut butter milkshake – really good. The perfect way to deal with uber-stress. Here’s the recipe:
2 scoops vanilla ice cream.
1/2 cup milk.
2 tablespoons peanut butter.
Dash of cinnamon.
Blend and drink up.

10. Kashi:
-Pizza (favorites: Mediterranean and Roasted Garlic Chicken)
-Country Cheddar TLC crackers
-Cinnamon Harvest cereal
-Honey Almond Flax Granola Bar
Kashi is such a great brand.

a melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

"Soul Meets Body"
Death Cab for Cutie

They always have such poetic lyrics...


I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new

Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
where they’re far more suited than here

And I cannot guess what we'll discover
When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain

And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
Where soul meets body

The Paradox of Our Age

written by the 14th Dalai Lama

We have bigger houses but smaller families;
more conveniences, but less time;
We have more degrees, but less sense;
more knowledge, but less judgment;
more experts, but more problems;
more medicines, but less healthiness;
We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.
We build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies then ever, but have less communication;
We have become long on quantity, but short on quality.
These are times of fast foods but slow digestion;
Tall men but short character;
Steep profits but shallow relationships.
It's a time when there is much in the window,
but nothing in the room.

---
All too true. I think that those of us who have been blessed with so many things have forgotten that they are blessings. So often we've forgotten our sense of values; forgotten compassion and love; forgotten to take joy in the simple things; forgotten to look beyond ourselves and to reach out; forgotten how to talk to each other and how to listen; forgotten how to treat each other as equals; forgotten how to be more than skin-deep; forgotten how to live like we have a purpose...
Where are we going?

Beauty tips from the classiest woman in history

A sampling...

As a forward note for those who don't already know, Europe is very photogenic...of course, these aren't nearly all my pictures, or even my black and whites, but I chose of few of my favorite candids of Europeans. Enjoy!

These are a few of my favorite things...

I've decided to write (each week, potentially) about 10 things I loved about that week...could also be things I didn't love. So even though last week was REALLY crappy, I'll say 10 of my favorite things anyway - some are new to this week and some have been my favorites for ages. (Oh, and Blogspot cuts off the big pictures down the middle, so click on #s 5 and 9.)

1. Food: Nutella (It's just one of those things that makes me really happy)



2. May & sunshine & warmth: beautiful this week!

3. Scent: Burberry Brit (my first perfume ever that came in today)

4. Sleeping: A lot. Specifically, napping. Mostly because I was sick, but I also just love naps.

5. My bucket list: 250 amazing things to do before I die! See post below.



6. Blogs about Paris: discovered http://www.amoveablebeast.blogspot.com (mentioned on an earlier post) and http://www.lafleurdeparis.blogspot.com , where I got the idea for this kind of list. Check them out!

7. Music: "Torero" by Chayanne (heard it in Spain!)
Click here for the very corny, very sexy music video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PA-LF6-qEQQ

8. EUROPE: well, that was the week before, but STILL... here are 2 of my pictures:




9. Fashion: Modcloth.com (my skirt came in!), Zara and H&M (went to both places frequently in Paris and Madrid), American Apparel (pretty awesome)




10. Black and white pictures: made a collection of my B&Ws from Europe. I'll post them soon, hopefully.

Not to not let go of the past, but...

I just realized something... it's really a shame I didn't get a blog during the 2008 presidential campaign. There was LOTS of material. Take, for example, the classic: Gov. Sarah Palin. Or Parah Salin, if you prefer. I remembered this as I was sitting here at my computer, procrastinating, and all of a sudden wondered, "Hey, where is Sarah Palin now? Whatever happened to Caribou Barbie?" So many wonderful, warm memories.
See this Oscar-worthy interview with Katie Couric:


Or, if you prefer, her [prank] phone call with Nicolas Sarkozy, rather, The Masked Avengers:



Oy. And to think that my school absolutely loves her! On the historical day Sen. Obama became President, kids in my school were not only making racist comments, but crying out, “PALIN 2012!” And if that ever happens, I promise you – I am not just leaving the country, I’m moving to Kenya, Indonesia, or Obama, Japan. Fortunately, I will probably be living in a different country by then anyway – Canada, for university, or perhaps studying abroad in France- the land of Sarkozy and Sarah’s idol, Carla Bruni. C’est magnifique!

I’ll fly away…

I’m a little bit frustrated. And torn.
Part of me is content where I am: young, friends, family, so-far-successful, no major life obstacles. Well…a quite small part of me is content with that. It’s getting old.
Then part of me wants to go to Neverland and never grow up…I sort of miss being little. But then again, there are so many amazing life experiences to have and learn from.
And then a pretty big part of me wants to skip over this teenage hump…I mean, people say you don’t have to wait til later in life to change the world or whatever, and I definitely agree, but there are so many things I want to do now that I just can’t because I’m stuck in school. Way easier said than done. Don’t get me wrong, I’m passionate about learning and feel so blessed to be getting a good education. But I can’t go anywhere or do much significant…I suppose I could, but with so many responsibilities - mostly revolving around school - I don’t have time. Argh, I hate saying that. I don’t even know what I would do here. But I have so many dreams and goals and I feel stuck in this section of my life. It’s so routine. I’m not a big fan of routine. I want to be learning about things that are really important, interesting, and relevant to me…and learning/living in a different country. No offense America, but I’m sick of you.
It’s like my favorite children’s book ever, Miss Rumphius – READ IT – there’s so much wisdom in it! Alice tells her grandfather when she’s young that someday she’ll travel to faraway places, and her grandfather tells her she must do something to make the world a more beautiful place….
“In the evening Alice sat on her grandfather's knee and listened to his stories of faraway places. When he had finished, Alice would say, ‘When I grow up, I too will go to faraway places, and when I grow old, I too will live beside the sea.’
‘That is all very well, little Alice,' said her grandfather, 'but there is a third thing you must do.'
'What is that?' asked Alice.
‘You must do something to make the world more beautiful,' said her grandfather.
'All right,' said Alice. But she did not know what that could be.
But there is a very brief line about what she had to do first…just like me. And obviously this is necessary. I just kind of want to skip over this page…
In the meantime Alice got up and washed her face and ate porridge for breakfast. She went to school and came home and did her homework.
And pretty soon she was grown up.
…And get to this:
Alice traveled the world. She climbed tall mountains where the snow never melted. She went through jungles and across deserts.”Ah, but I know it is best to be content with what you’ve got. At the moment, that’s a lit paper. Perhaps in ten years I will get to be Alice.

L'chaim!

Well hello there!
It’s been a while! So much has happened since my last post before I left for Europe. Well, kind of. I mean, I did go to Europe. That was big…so I’ll tell you about that, probably in another post. I took so many pictures, too :) Almost 2,000…I’ll post a couple on here. Oh my- European withdrawal is BAD. I miss the baguettes, and attempting to speak French, and the “F-you-I’m-French” look, and the beautiful touristy landmarks, and the horrible train ride between France and Spain, and the Spanish boys, and the Plaza Mayor, and Zara, and Spanish guitar…I really REALLY want to go back. Even though I got really sick towards the end of the trip, (actually, I’m still sick.) And I really REALLY want school to be over. And right now I’m in a really philosophical mood…which reminded me to blog about it. So it’s a “really” day.
So here we are. May 1. Finally May, one of my favorite months of the year! There are buds on the trees. It’s been gorgeous out for a week – summer, basically. Well, apparently it has…I’ve been sick indoors with a terrible cough and a fever of 102 (haha, like the Mariah Carey song…awkward) and when I went outside in my terrycloth bathrobe and sweats and sat in the 90 degree weather, I was still freezing. Quite a weird sensation. Hah, also strange: I cannot hear, smell, breathe, talk, or taste (very well), thanks to my cold. My head is pretty fuzzy (hurrah for antihistamines!) so my driving was bad and it’s super annoying not being able to hear anyone- communication is difficult that way. I feel like an old person…bad back and hearing loss. Now all I need are dentures and cataracts. I’ve missed 3 days of school, doctor’s orders, which would be great if not for the mountains of make-up work I have to do! I went to the doctor/hospital two days ago and almost immediately started feeling worse – helpful.
I do feel pretty cool, though, beyond the fact that I’m wearing rainbow toe socks right now. I counted approximately 15 people who asked me if I had swine flu. Or, shall I say, h1n1 – that’s the new name, because some countries responded by slaughtering pigs, which are not what cause the swine flu. Poor Piglet. Anyway…WHAT IS UP WITH THIS? I turned on the news and it was in every.single.story on every.single.channel. Ok, I do understand it’s a health crisis, and a horrible illness. But people need to calm down a tad and turn the freaking out down a notch. Let WHO and the MDs take care of it. Anyway, I feel cool because I got tested! Yeah! Because I have the symptoms…fever, cough, sore throat, lethargy – AKA basic flu symptoms. Oh, and I was just traveling in Spain. (I love saying that.) But I tested negative, so it’s all good. Do YOU want to know if you have swine flu? Click on this link- very accurate. http://doihaveswineflu.org/
Update: Oy, I was just watching Charlie Gibson, who announced a plane that was supposed to be flying from Munich to Washington D.C. made a sudden landing in Boston because a passenger complained of a RUNNY NOSE. Ok, I’ve flown from Boston to Washington- it’s only two hours. (Actually, I’ve flown from Germany to Boston, too -- WITH a runny nose.) *Smacks forehead.*
I’ve recently become a little bit insecure about blogging, actually, because so many blogs are absurdly narcissistic, especially the fashion ones. See also SNL’s skit “Bitchpleeze.com”: http://www.tvgasm.com/newsgasm/news/newsgasm/in-case-you-missed-it-snls-bit.php hahaha...Many are wonderful, though, including this one I just found: http://amoveablebeast.blogspot.com/. She’s a thoroughly enjoyable writer and “recent” transplant to Paris, so that’s mainly what she writes about, and it’s making me miss Paris SO much. I think I might follow her lead someday. I hope to get the hang of maintaining a good blog soon, and I have so many things I want to write about, but it takes a lot of time (that I wish I had) and effort.
Anyway, I just compiled The List of all the make-up work I have to do for the 5 days of school I’ve missed, and it’s insanely long. There are 27 things on it. And I haven’t done any of it yet because I still feel horribly sick- yesterday I was so lethargic I couldn’t move. Today, though, I’m feeling a little better – coughing, but not fever – so I’m going to attempt to tackle it. The List includes 3 tests, 2 papers, 2 quizzes, 1 project, 1 movie, and a boatload of homework – the boat being, of course, the Titanic. Sorry, I’ll stop complaining. But it’s really disheartening, especially when you’re already feeling crappy. Hopefully my teachers will be kind and also remember the rule that you have as many days as you’ve been out to make up the work.
Hah, when I wrote at the top of this blog that I was feeling really philosophical, that was actually five days ago. I wasn’t feeling well enough to blog between the time that I wrote it last Sunday and now. So that will wait until later. I remember what I wanted to write about, though: something about print media dying, my generation losing the ability to read, the politics of the Catholic church and the “holier than thou” concept, and what would happen if I didn’t bow down to the Pope or the Dali Lama or whoever.
Anyway, I will now go “back” to work and leave you with a mantra my dad and I often [regretfully] sing: “To work, to work, L’chaim! L’chaim, L’chaim, to work…” (L’chaim means “to life!”) Cheers to that.

P.S. Hope you enjoyed my rather ambitious bucket list!